The Most Difficult Rule to Follow
and why you should anyway
We’ve all heard it before: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Known as the Golden Rule, this timeless piece of wisdom appears in nearly every major world religion and moral philosophy. It’s simple, straightforward, and yet profoundly difficult to follow, especially in the heat of the moment when emotions run high. Following the Golden Rule can feel impossible when someone wrongs you, particularly when you're caught in a cycle of hurt, anger, and distrust.
This challenge becomes crystal clear in one of the most relatable settings: family relationships. Picture two siblings, constantly bickering, trapped in a seemingly unbreakable loop of resentment and anger. The pain they cause each other doesn’t just affect their relationship in the moment—it builds over time, creating deeper wounds and perpetuating an endless cycle of conflict.
And yet, the Golden Rule remains the key to breaking this cycle, even if it’s the hardest possible rule to follow in these moments. Let’s explore why it’s so difficult and how, when embraced, it has the power to transform relationships, even in situations of deep hurt.
The Sibling Cycle of Resentment
Siblings are a natural example of how quickly conflict can escalate and spiral out of control. Imagine two sisters, Faith and Hope. Faith feels like Hope constantly disrespects her, undermining her opinions and dismissing her feelings. Hope, on the other hand, believes Faith is always criticizing her, nitpicking at every mistake and trying to control her. Neither can see the other’s perspective. Instead, they’re stuck in a perpetual cycle of anger and distrust.
It starts small. Faith makes a sarcastic comment about Hope’s messy room. Hope snaps back about Faith being a control freak. The tension builds until they’re yelling and storming off, each convinced the other is at fault. Over time, this kind of interaction becomes habitual. They each anticipate the worst from the other and react defensively before any real conversation can even begin.
This is how resentment builds—a small hurt turns into a larger one, each sibling keeping score, certain that the other will never change. Both feel justified in their anger. After all, why should Faith be kind to Hope when Hope is always disrespectful? Why should Hope listen to Faith when she’s constantly criticized? And so, they find themselves locked in a cycle of bitterness, driven by the belief that their sibling will never change.
The Challenge of the Golden Rule
Here’s where the Golden Rule comes in—and why it’s so incredibly hard to apply in real life, especially when you're hurt. The Golden Rule asks us to treat others not as they treat us, but as we would want to be treated. It’s a radical invitation to break the cycle of hurt by choosing kindness, patience, and understanding, even when it’s not reciprocated.
For Faith and Hope, this would mean Faith biting her tongue the next time Hope makes a mess or says something rude. It would mean Hope choosing to listen to Faith without snapping back, even when she feels defensive.
But that’s easier said than done. When someone wounds us, our natural instinct is to protect ourselves. The fight-or-flight response kicks in, and the last thing we want to do is extend grace to the person who’s hurt us. The Golden Rule asks us to do exactly that—to be the bigger person, to offer kindness instead of retaliation.
In a conflict like the one between Faith and Hope, the hardest part about following the Golden Rule is that it feels unfair. Why should Faith show patience to Hope when Hope hasn’t shown any to her? Why should Hope listen to Faith when she feels constantly criticized? The answer, difficult as it is to accept, is that someone has to break the cycle. Someone has to take the first step toward healing, even when it feels like they’re the one who has been wronged. Someone has to try to be more like Christ, especially when it is most difficult.
Breaking the Cycle: A Case for Empathy
To truly live out the Golden Rule, we need to cultivate empathy, the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Faith feels disrespected, but what if she took a moment to understand why Hope might act the way she does? Perhaps Hope is defensive because she feels insecure and overwhelmed. Hope feels constantly criticized, but what if she tried to see things from Faith's perspective? Maybe Faith is stressed and just wants to help her sister succeed.
The Golden Rule isn’t just about being nice—it’s about recognizing the humanity in others, even when they’re difficult to deal with. When Faith chooses to speak kindly to Hope, even after a fight, she’s not just being polite; he’s showing Hope that she values her as a person. When Hope chooses to listen to Faith instead of lashing out, she’s breaking the cycle of resentment and offering an olive branch.
This shift doesn’t happen overnight. Both siblings will likely continue to stumble and fall into old habits. But by consistently choosing to follow the Golden Rule, even when it’s hard- especially when it’s hard, they create the possibility for change. They start to build trust, little by little. Instead of expecting the worst from each other, they begin to see each other as allies, not enemies.
When the Golden Rule Is Applied
So what happens when the Golden Rule is put into action, especially in a deeply hurtful situation? Let’s revisit Faith and Hope. Suppose one day, after yet another argument, Faith decides to take a step back. Instead of reacting with her usual sarcasm, she calmly explains why she’s frustrated. She chooses her words carefully, trying not to accuse or belittle Hope, but to express her feelings honestly.
At first, Hope might not respond well. Old habits die hard, and she might still snap back defensively. But over time, if Faith continues to approach these situations with patience and empathy, Hope may begin to soften. She might start to see that Faith isn’t out to criticize her, but to help her. Gradually, the cycle of resentment weakens.
The same can be true for Hope. If she stops assuming that every comment from Faith is an attack and starts giving her sister the benefit of the doubt, their relationship could slowly start to heal. They may still have disagreements, but the sting of old wounds would begin to fade.
The key is consistency. The Golden Rule only works when it’s applied over time, especially when it’s hardest. By choosing kindness and empathy repeatedly, even when the other person doesn’t deserve it, the dynamics of the relationship can shift in profound ways.
Conclusion: The Hardest Rule Is the Most Transformative
The Golden Rule is, without question, the hardest possible rule to follow. It asks us to act against our natural instincts, to show kindness and empathy when we feel least inclined to do so. Yet it is also the most transformative rule we can follow. In situations of hurt, anger, and resentment— like the one between Faith and Hope— it is the only path to breaking the cycle of pain and distrust.
By choosing to treat others as we would want to be treated, we open the door to healing. We create the possibility for change, for reconciliation, and for deeper, more meaningful relationships. It may be difficult, but in the end, it’s worth it.
For now, my girls fight and quarrel with no end. But one day, I hope they can read this article and understand that the Golden Rule has the power to transform not only our relationships but our lives.